What I Leaned Into

What if leaning into grief could help you find yourself again? We sit down and speak plainly about the seasons after loss—the survival mode of selling houses and packing boxes, the first cracks where emotion floods in, and the quiet rituals that keep love close when everything else feels far away. From writing daily letters to a spouse to discovering that the comfiest chair can keep you out of bed, we trace the small decisions that add up to a life that fits.

You’ll hear how comfort becomes a healing strategy: soft blankets everywhere, music that sparks joy, and a home reimagined with art, mirrors, and color your partner might have vetoed. For parents, presence turns into purpose—staying home with a child, baking, gardening, and building routines that calm frayed nerves. We trade stories about cognitive fog and the patience it takes to try 12 solutions before the simple one finally clicks, and we laugh at the detours while honoring why they mattered.

We also explore the identity shift that follows loss. Solo choices feel odd after years in a pair, and the “brat phase” can be a bridge to authenticity—less defiance, more truth. We talk openly about quitting alcohol to avoid numbing, recognizing grief in public figures beyond the headlines, and why remembering friends’ death days is a profound act of care. If you’re wondering how to stop fighting tears and let them do their cleansing work, this conversation offers practical comfort and real companionship.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find a friend in grief. Your story matters—what are you leaning into right now?

Transcript

Spin The Wheel: What Did You Lean Into

Delaying Grief To Handle Logistics

Letters To A Loved One And Feeling It All

Reclaiming Home And Taste

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi. Welcome to Your Friend in Grief, a podcast for anyone learning who they are after loss. I'm Melinda and I'm here with Melani, and we're so grateful you're here. This space is where grief is honored, healing is not rushed, and your heart is allowed to feel everything it feels. Melani and I are walking this path with you through honest conversation, shared stories, and the kind of friendship that holds you up on the days you need it most. Welcome in, and we're really happy that you're here. Hello, friend. Hello, friend. How are you? I'm good. Good. Good. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. Not a lot of other things I have to do today, so I'm feeling good about that. Wonderful. Yeah. Um, are you ready to spin the wheel? Absolutely. All right. Let's do it. Let's spin this wheel. Let me say that again. Oh, what did you lean into? Oh, ooh, that's a good one. What did you lean into? There's so many things. You go first. I initially had to lean into delaying my grief because I had to take care of business. Had to get the house sold, had to get a car sold, had to get stuff to storage, had to get a place to move into. So for a while I was kind of on autopilot. And then once I got to where I was settled for a little while, um, I leaned into feeling the things. And I leaned into writing letters to Mike every day. Um, it was if I was having a conversation with him every day of the things that I would normally want to tell him. And because I'd never experienced a loss like this, I absolutely leaned into the feeling of the loss. I think that was the biggest thing I leaned into. It changed later on. The things that I leaned into. Um making a home for myself. I leaned into Mike would hate this. I love this. It's going in the house. I I leaned into Mike would never, ever want this in the house. And I love it. And so it is absolutely going in the house. Um things like that. Things like that. Um, things that maybe Mike felt were frivolous. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be frivolous. I'm gonna do this. And I think those are the kinds of things that I leaned into that made me chuckle and made me kind of talk to him and be like, all right, he would totally hate this. And in a way, it kind of made me feel closer to him because I knew, like, especially when I started listening to my 80s music again a little bit, and it was like, oh, he would so hate this. He would so be making fun of me right now. And I leaned into that feeling of doing something that he absolutely would be like, oh, ugh.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

So you leaned into being a brat. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

A rebellious little brat. Yes, and I'm not sure that I've come out of that, Milani. I'm not sure that I'm out of that phase. I think I might still be in that phase. Um, you know, I've bought physical books since Mike died. And he was like, we don't have room for those. We don't want to move those again. Okay, well, I'm buying books. So I do. Maybe, yeah, maybe a little bit of a brat. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I'm out of it. Oops. What did you lean into?

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Um, well, the very first thing was just being, especially after Dennis died, because when you think that, you know, shit like this only happens to you once, think again.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

Right. Being uber present. Got it. Um, one thing that uh uh Dennis's life insurance afforded me was the ability to stay home with Jackson, which was something that I had desperately wanted to do. I had been able to do that with Evan and Nathan, and had never really had the chance to do that with Jackson. So I very much leaned into being the stay-at-home mom for Jackson, right? Um there was nothing that I could not pull off for this kid if he needed it or wanted it. So that was a huge part of it for me. Um and just leaning into the things that brought me joy, that brought me some, you know, the things that you can get lost in that kind of distract you. Um, gardening, baking, cooking, getting stuff done around the house. Very much that that um, yeah, mom mode was big for me. Probably more so than it had ever been in my career as a mom. Yeah.

Choosing Comfort Over Numbing

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Yeah. But that makes sense. That makes sense that that would be where you would focus after having lost a child and then losing Dennis. Like it makes sense to me that that's where you would lean into. Um, as we were talking about that, and I was kind of thinking about it a little bit after I initially talked, I think I leave leaned into comfort. Um yes, I totally see that. And, you know, that started early. Like, you know, I bought one of the things I knew that if I didn't have a very comfortable place to sit in my living room, that I would be in my bed 24-7. And I knew that wasn't good. Like, I knew that wasn't good. So um I bought the love sack for the living room, and that was I spent a lot of time in it, and it became an incredible place of comfort for me and kept me out of my bed, kept me from from doing that. I also leaned in very heavily to feeling everything, and one of those was I stopped drinking. Mike and I had we were drinkers, and I stopped drinking completely. Just not doing it, and I'm really not much of a drinker anymore. Right. And I think that's one of those things that um because I think in a way I knew if I didn't stop that it would be really easy to numb myself. Sure. So I but comfort, like I've never had so many comfortable blankets in my house in my life. Like everywhere you go in my house, you can find a blanket to be comforting to you. And I think that I think that that is something that I felt that I I needed to feel. I think comfort is something because I was very uncomfortable after Mike died. And not just with the emotional piece of it, but I had to move. Right. And then I moved into an apartment, and then I finally moved into my house. So I moved three times or four times within an 18-month period. And I think that I was craving that consistency and that comfort of being safe and home and and all of those things. So I think that that was part of it as well.

SPEAKER_02 8:45

Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

Um, I bought things for the house that Mike would be just like what? Like I have mirrors hanging up on my wall. I have three mirrors in my house. Mike and I barely hung stuff up on our walls. Right. And I have mirrors, like, really, they're all decorative, but like I've never had that as an adult. Like, it's just weird for me, right? So I think I leaned into some of that stuff that felt like comfort.

Identity Shift And Solo Decision-Making

SPEAKER_02 9:16

For me, I think I was like we we had this sofa that was long enough. Dennis wanted a sofa that he could stretch out on and take a nap on. You know, when you're over six feet, that's hard to find sometimes, right? Yes. And um he had very specific like cushion needs. Um, and I hated that couch. And I I kept saying, I hate this couch. Like long after he passed, I hate this couch. And Jackson turned to me one day and he was like, Mom, let's just go pick out a new couch. You know, so it was stuff like that. Like I changed the bedding and our bedroom right away. Um, I added some color that Dennis may not have been a big fan of. Like it was just like recognizing that I have a mind of my own. Yeah, I don't always have to acquiesce to somebody else, and I can choose things that I like. Right. I can do away with the things that I don't like.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Yes, and having that, like, oh, this only has to please me.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

Right, because I am an individual, I am my own person.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

Yes. And I didn't know who that person was. I'm still not sure I know who exactly who she is. Like, we're getting there, but yeah, I had a blush pink velvet comforter for a while. Yeah, Mike would have hated that. Mm-hmm. Hated it. But it's just me and the cats. The cats didn't mind it. Right. And um, you know, I think there are some of those things that, but again, it brought you comfort.

unknown 11:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

But you don't necessarily think like, oh, I can get rid of the couch until you finally think, oh, I can get rid of the couch. And it I don't have to I still have pictures that Mike absolutely loved that he we had we had hung up in in the house. He had them in his office, and I haven't hung them up. And they're New York. And I don't know that I will ever hang them up.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Right. I mean, it was the same thing with us. We had a lot of New York Brooklyn stuff hanging up. And um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

And I think it was it was a very weird realization when I bought art for my house, that I actually was drawn to certain art, and I went, oh, I would like to buy that. And it was like, oh, Mike would totally be like, what the fuck? You have a picture of a bird in your house. I have two pictures of birds in my house now. Yes, yes, I do. Yeah, it's just a weird realization.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

It is because you're part of a unit, and then all of a sudden you're not not part of a unit, and I think it it takes a while for your brain to kind of catch up to your reality.

The Brat Phase And Future Compromise

SPEAKER_00 12:39

Yes, and I'm now at the stage, and I'm just been realizing this, I'm now at the stage, Milani, where I'm like, I wish I had been this aware right after Mike died. Yes. Like or how about before? Well, that too. Right. But it but it also has taken me like, and this is a stupid little, a stupid little example, but like, I've tried every cat litter mat in the world. Right? Every one of them. The kind that have holes in it that you just dump and it like, you know, it comes out. The I I tried the bath mats. I'm like, I've been fighting with cat litter mats since I've been in this house by myself, since since Mike died. I've been fighting with cat mats. I can't even tell you how many I've purchased. And I just bought washable puppy pee pads to put under the litter boxes. Life changing. And it's like, how come I couldn't have gotten there from day one? But my brain wasn't there, right? And it's like you had to go through all of these phases in order to get here and be as smart as you are today. And I'm not saying I'm smart, I'm just saying like the cognitive function of my brain may not have been working fully until now. Right. Well, you just said it, your brain wasn't there. No. I'm like, oh, that looks like a great idea. Yeah. That's the worst idea to have the little honeycombs that the litter falls through when you have a cat that's throwing up all the time. That's the worst when you have to hose that out because the cat's thrown up on the mat. Gross. It's very gross.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

I think uh I I frequently felt like my body was detached, like my head was someplace else from my body, right? So, like that's what I mean when I say like when you your stuff needs to catch up to each other. Yes, yeah, like I like it cut it didn't feel like real.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

Right. I totally get that. I totally get that. I I leaned into another thing I leaned into is I watched a lot of shows that Mike I saw the Gilmore Girls after Mike died. We always watched TV together. He wouldn't have watched Gilmore Girls, and I'm like, who the hell am I? Like all these things. But as we're talking about this, I'm wondering, because I do still hear you in my head going, Oh, you're a brat. Yes, yes, I'm a brat. Yes, yes, I am. Because the books, Mike was always like, stop reading, pay attention to me, even though he was playing his video game. Like, pay attention to me, pay attention to what I'm doing, right? And it's like, okay, I'll stop reading. He's like, Why do you have to read so much? Well, now I have Kindle Unlimited. You know, he never would have allowed that. That shit wouldn't have happened. But I wonder, as a brat, as you lean into these things, does this make it harder to have someone in your home again? Or to date again, or to do those things again? Are you asking me for my personal experience? No, I'm I'm not asking for personal experience here. I am just, it is something that as we started talking about it, I'm like, I am a brat. And how am I ever going to have somebody else in my house and going, you have furry blankets on your bed as comforters? Yes, yes, I do. Yes, I do. And if you don't like it, you don't have to be here.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

Right. Well, I would say find yourself if and when you get to that point when you're ready, find yourself a man who also likes the furry blankets. Right.

Growing Awareness And Cognitive Fog

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Or who likes to read and likes books. Who doesn't, who doesn't, who at the time, and you don't know who that man is because he may say at the time, I don't want that. And now may say, you may have to get your own. But I mean, as we were talking about that, I'm like, yeah, me being a brat about some of these things, and like, I mean, we were together for 22 years. Like, I only lived by this is the longest I've ever lived by myself. And I'm more, I think I'm uh older and wiser than I've ever been in my life. And so now I'm like, oh shit, this is gonna be hard to make compromises on in the future.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Well, I mean every relationship is a give and take, right? I know, I know. But it's I think because you know yourself better now, you will have a very clear understanding of what it is that you will give and what you will not take.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Yeah, but it just it fascinates me because I'm like, I wonder how many other women or men are thinking that too after a loss like this. It's like, oh, I've leaned into this. And it's very different. It is different, yes. And I absolutely think that what I would look for in a partner now is very different than what I very different than what Mike was. Because I'm different. I don't need the same things that I needed before. Um, but it is it just yeah, me being a brat just kind of was like, oh, yeah. I've kind of leaned into that.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

And a lot. And I I I fully believe that, you know, there's probably somebody out there who's like, oh, I love that she's a brat. Yes. I love that she likes these things. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

One can one can hope someday if I'm ready for that, that that will happen. Yeah, I'm like, oh, yeah, I really did kind of lean into that. Um but it was it's and I think I'm still in that comfort, but I do wish, I do wish I was I do wish I was smarter earlier on, but my brain just wasn't there. Like, and I know that was the silliest little example, but it's a big example of I guess where I'm at today. And the recognition and the lucidity of where I'm at today. Sure. That okay, it's different, it's very different. And um, you know, just as a as a reminder that it's okay to lean into whatever it is that you're leaning into, you're not hurting anybody. It's you know, not to hurt yourself. Don't make sure it's nothing that's hurting yourself, whether it's numbing through alcohol or drugs or anything like that. But I definitely think if there's little things that you want to lean into that are helping with your comfort, then you know, maybe not 20 cats or a lot of things like that. But, you know, within reason if it's not gonna hurt you.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Well, we're we are forever changed, right? Yep, not the same person that we were before the loss.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Right.

New Rituals, New Media, New Me

SPEAKER_02 20:20

And for me, I will make myself crazy if I'm trying to do the same thing. Um and you know, hope what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Yep, you know, so doing the old ways, hoping that it it fills something, is doesn't work for me, right? And so I I've had to find new ways of leaning into being me, being Milani, the fully expressed version of myself, and um being okay with that.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Yeah. Yeah, no, I yeah, yeah. And I, yeah, it just makes me laugh because I I recognize some of the things that I do or have done that Mike would absolutely be like the hell. Right.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

And I I often have wondered, like, would would Dennis have fallen in love with this Milani? Like, would he what would he think about this Milani? Oh, because I'm a different Milani than I was when we first got together.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Yeah, I don't know that Mike would have been attracted to this Mindy initially. Like, maybe eventually, like, because I'm at the core, I'm the same person. I still have the same personality qualities, but there are some differences. I think he would be like, huh. I don't know. Do you think you have enough Taylor Swift merchandise? No, I don't have enough sweatshirts to take Taylor Swift on. No, I don't. No, not not at all. Not at all. You know, things like that that he would be like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Yeah. But you're right. I mean, don't not the things that are harmful, but the things that bring you joy that make you feel like yourself, that make you feel like I can do this, do it. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it is. A walk on the beach, a daily ritual, journaling, taking a cooking class, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Yeah, do it. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it took me five and a half years to actually get back to working out. I I hadn't done that. I hadn't done that in, you know, all of this time. There was not any of that happening. So I think there's you know, time definitely changes the things that we lean into.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Um, but I do think there's there's something for me. I you absolutely rocked being a mom, and you still are. Like thank you, my friend. You leaned into it, and your kids are the best. So, you know, they're good boys. Kudos to you.

SPEAKER_02 23:13

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

I'm still the comfort and the brat for me. And you know, but that's I didn't have kids.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

So also, do you need what is what's the compromise? Do you need to compromise? Like I like so for you, I like my books. I like comfort, I like soft things, I like pretty things. I don't think you have to compromise that.

Freedom, Guilt, And Owning Your Space

SPEAKER_00 23:37

Yeah, no, you're right. And I think that maybe some of that leaning into also as you're starting to become who you really are as you figure that out. There is some of that guilt, a little bit of like, oh, well, this wasn't who I was before, or would Mike have Mike would have hated this. Like, right? I leaned into the oh, he would hate this, instead of like, this is you. It's but it is, it's my house. I can put whatever I want on the walls, I can do whatever I want, which it's that's a weird thing to lean into. It's hard to begin to lean into that initially. And this year I've started putting things away that I may have kept out just because they were his or because he liked them. Right. And that's gonna continue to change.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

And so, but it is kind of hard to go, oh, well, it's my house now, or this is my space. I don't have to do that compromising and you know, there's a different freedom there that's not necessarily it's not necessarily a freedom I wanted. No, but now that I have it, I'm taking advantage of it for sure.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

And why shouldn't you?

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Right. And my home is my home. And that's yeah. So it's but it is it is different, and you know, I think there's different phases of of what we lean into. For sure. Totally. Um what is something else that you feel like you lean into?

Purpose After Loss: Coaching And Service

SPEAKER_02 25:11

Um I think becoming a a health and wellness coach was probably something that was very important to me that I leaned into because I've I've always kind of been told that um I I have a girlfriend who calls me the wise one. I love that. And people who are like, oh my gosh, you should do this for a living because you know, you're easy to talk to and you you impart wisdom, right? So um recognizing that I might have a skill towards that, yeah. Um, and the desire to want to be a a beacon for somebody else, other than trying to find my own light, you know. Um yes.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

You know, as as you were saying that, it's funny. One of the things that I lean into now, not for me, but when I know someone who's lost someone, I make note of the death day. I make sure that I am reaching out to that person. Um, it's almost like more important to me than even remembering birthdays. If someone has lost a spouse, I try to acknowledge those days more, um, which is kind of funny because that's not something I would have done before. But now I have become very sensitive, much like you.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

Well, because we have the we the we I'm sorry, the awareness, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Yeah. And so I think that's something is just like you, the concern and wanting to be there for others in in this crazy journey that is not the same for everybody. No, no timelines, not the same. We all handle things differently, we all do different things and take comfort in different things. So it's definitely um just wanting to like witness for people. Yes, definitely. Who are grieving. Yeah.

Remembering Death Days And Witnessing

SPEAKER_02 27:38

Um, you know, and it's not even like, oh, I wish I had had this, and so let me be this for somebody else. It's it's not even that, it's just if I can help one person feel not alone and less insane because I really felt that, I felt like I was going crazy, you know, then I've served my purpose, right?

SPEAKER_00 28:04

Right. Well, and and there's always this, um, and we talked a little bit about this earlier too. There's always this feeling of, am I feeling it too much? Or people always think, like, oh my God, is it really like am I just being overly sensitive? And there's been some celebrities in the news who look differently lately, and without naming any names, they've both had losses in their life and they've both undergone weight loss. I don't think it's the weight loss drugs, I think it's the grief.

SPEAKER_02 28:38

Yeah.

Grief In Public Figures And Misread Signs

SPEAKER_00 28:39

I think it's what grief has done to them. And I think that people don't recognize that because the first thing people are saying in the comments is must be the Ozympic face or must be the, you know, whatever. And it's like both these people just had huge losses. Right. Of a parent. And, you know, that's a tough thing when you're close to your family, and you know, grief hits everyone differently. And I think that it's sometimes we think, am I being too emotional about it? Am I being too hard on myself about it? And I think that the lesson really is is you have to feel what you're feeling. And the goal, I think, of this podcast is really to make people feel less alone and to feel less crazy, like you said. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

And um, I think it takes more energy to fight the feelings.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

Yes, it absolutely does to push them down. Yeah, it is much easier to to give into them and to lean into them and go, okay, I'm gonna take today and I'm gonna be sad, and then tomorrow I'll get up and maybe I'll do one thing. Maybe I'll shower. And, you know, especially in the early days of grief. Oh my god, the effort it took to take a shower. Like, yeah, yeah. It's like, why bother? Why?

Letting Feelings Move Through

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Well, have you ever had a day where you just kind of felt weepy and like you spent the entire day like fighting back the tears? But if you just let yourself have a good cry, you feel so cleansed afterwards, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

It feels better. Absolutely. It's that release. It's that release, it's whatever it takes to kind of let that go. And yeah, I think you're absolutely right. And I that's that's definitely um, you know, one of the reasons we're here. And I think hopefully someone feels a little less alone by listening to our conversations uh about grief and the things that we have felt and the things that, you know, just with our our experiences and our conversations.

SPEAKER_02 30:53

Totally. That is my greatest wish.

SPEAKER_00 30:55

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think that's a great stopping point for this episode. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 31:02

I think so. If anything has stirred or settled within you during this episode, please know that you don't have to carry it. Take whatever feels supportive, leave whatever feels heavy. And uh thank you for listening. Thank you for being here with us. Be good to yourselves.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Thanks.

unknown 31:20

Bye. Bye.