I Don't Fit Here Anymore

The moment you realize the old rooms don’t fit anymore can be quiet and brutal—a bus stop, a dinner table, a sideline where small talk suddenly feels like static. We open up about that first jolt of alienation after loss and how it echoes through friendships, paperwork, and the everyday logistics of showing up in public with half your heart missing.

We trace the fault lines: couple friends who don’t know what to say, communities that assume divorce instead of death, and events that demand more energy than your body can spare. What changed everything wasn’t pretending we were fine but telling the truth plainly—saying the names of our people, naming ourselves as widowed or bereaved, and letting that honesty set the tone. That simple clarity often invites others to share their losses too, turning awkward silence into real connection. We talk about being “kept” by chosen family who knew both of us and how that kind of witness can stitch a new sense of belonging.

This conversation is practical as much as it is tender. We share scripts for declining invitations without burning bridges, ways to conserve energy without guilt, and small safeguards that make re-entry bearable—shorter visits, quiet check-ins, online errands, exit plans. We widen the lens to include widowed seniors and solo parents, recognizing how life stage alters the shape of not fitting in. Through it all, one principle holds: your grief, your terms. When we honor that, friendships grow sturdier, community gets kinder, and the names we carry stay alive in daily speech.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find a friend in grief. Tell us: where do you feel most seen right now?

Transcript

Welcome And Topic Reveal

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello friends. Welcome to Your Friend in Grief, a podcast for anyone learning who they are after loss. I'm Melinda. I'm here with Melani, and we're so grateful you're here too. This is a space where grief is honored, healing is not rushed, and your heart is allowed to feel everything it feels. Milani and I are walking this path with you through honest conversation, shared stories, and the kind of friendship that holds you up on days you need it most. Welcome in. How are you, friend?

SPEAKER_03 0:29

I'm good. How are you?

SPEAKER_02 0:30

I am good. I am good. Are you ready to spin the wheel? Yes. It's a big wheel. And I didn't set it up to take that last one out, so hopefully we won't get it again. But if we do, we'll just spin again. We'll just spin again. What is it?

SPEAKER_03 0:57

I don't fit here anymore.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Ooh, that's a good topic. I don't fit here anymore. Oh. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that?

SPEAKER_03 1:18

After Evan died. I was standing at the bus stop with Nathan. He was going to some kind of a camp program. And there were, you know, it's not the only mom there. There was a whole group of moms waiting with their kid to get on the bus. And they were um gossiping.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

And I just I I couldn't stomach it.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Right. I felt like I'm different now. I think that was the first time that I realized that I could never, ever, ever be the kind of mom that I had been before.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Wow. That's heavy.

SPEAKER_03 2:24

And so I I totally didn't fit in with other moms. Yeah.

Couples, Community, And Lost Connections

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Yeah. I think for me it was, and this is sad to say, a lot of our friends were couples. And I just what was I gonna say to them? I couldn't I couldn't grieve with them. Like we did that the first couple of days, but then it just reminded me of Mike. It I I I just didn't feel like I fit anywhere.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

I felt like that after Dennis. I definitely felt like that.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Because it's and it's it's not so much that you don't think that they understand, because they do understand, it's just that you feel so differently that you're not who you used to be.

SPEAKER_03 3:31

No.

Honoring Grievers And Social Bandwidth

SPEAKER_02 3:32

And and that's in all relationships, right? Like, and I think that's I and this is kind of a weird example, but when like I don't fit here anymore, like these friendships that I had that became strained, right? Um, they didn't know how to help me. And that's not on them. That's because we don't talk about grief in this country or in society, and we should. We need to be talking more about how to help those who are grieving, how to be supportive, how to not, you know, keep asking them to invite them to things even after even two years later, just because they've said no doesn't mean they don't love you or appreciate you. It's just they don't have the bandwidth to do it, right? We need to, we need to honor the grievers and be sure that we're looking out for their feelings and for how they need to grieve. So it's not I don't blame anyone, and it's just I just didn't feel like I fit anywhere with them any longer because Mike and always we didn't have kids, so we spent a lot of time with people who didn't have kids. There weren't, you know, it wasn't like, you know, we were doing that. And I think one of the things that was the most incredible for me is um Mike's cousins, who I'm very close to. Um, I went to New York. It took me a while to get to New York uh to see them after he passed. And when I did, they were the most incredible, they were like, you're our family. And it was the first time that I had been really with people who knew both of us and who were very invested in both of us, right, where I felt accepted as me. Right. And I I still see them, I, you know, plan to see them in a couple of months, and I I've spent time with them. I, you know, don't get up to New York as much as I would like to, but honestly, they were probably the first and maybe some of the only like people that we had together that I still have.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

Right.

Being Kept By Chosen Family

SPEAKER_02 6:00

Aside from like my individual friends, right? That's different, like people that I've known for 20 years that are my friends, they're my friends. But this was the family that we had chosen, and they they chose to keep me. And like I was afraid that I wasn't gonna fit in with them and that they were gonna feel differently about me, and they don't, and I love that, and that was a really pivotal moment for me in relationships and recognizing that oh, I can still be right, but it's it's it's very different if it was people that we knew from his work or whatever, right? It's just so you lose some of those connections.

SPEAKER_03 6:50

You do. Um for me, anything that I pulled back from really was kind of I either I didn't have the patience to listen to the superficial stuff because I mean, let's be honest, everything pretty much was superficial in the early days, right? A thousand percent either I didn't have the patience for it or the shift in my life, because um we know grief loss changes it changes you, right? Because I was looking at things from a different lens. I found it anything that I left behind or that I walked away from, I was able to do because I was looking at it from a different lens. Um and I didn't really feel like I needed to participate in some of the stuff anymore. Yeah.

unknown 7:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

Because I I didn't fit into that anymore.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Yeah. I remember going to dinner with friends and a big group of people and feeling completely alone.

SPEAKER_03 8:11

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

And just not understanding the conversations, like just so hard to relate and appreciating the fact that it wasn't them, that it was me.

SPEAKER_03 8:23

Absolutely.

Retreating From Superficial Spaces

SPEAKER_02 8:24

And recognizing it because I felt much more comfortable um with my neighbors um who were widowed. And I found more comfort in talking to them than I did trying to go to a big dinner and pretend that here we are. That's just what we are. We're just okay. Yeah, and I I think um that's where a lot of those friendships became strained. And it's not right, it's not their fault. It's I changed like completely 180.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

And going back to what we said before, like sometimes you don't know how to be unless you've actually gone through it yourself, right? And yep, I just really had a hard time holding space for anybody who couldn't hold space for me.

Speaking Their Names And Feeling Misread

SPEAKER_02 9:23

Yes, yes, yes, and you know, and I do think a lot of people, I don't think everybody wanted to hear about Mike, even in the early days. And I think it was probably because their grief, maybe they hadn't really come to terms with it. Um, because he touched a lot of people's lives, right? And for me, without having kids, the only way to keep him alive is through conversation and stories. And I still talk about Mike to this day, and I always will. I can just do it without getting teary-eyed and upset about it most of the time. But in the early days, I think it really made people uncomfortable. And I think I think they felt I got stuck. Don't get stuck in grief, don't get stuck. I hope I just don't want you to get stuck. Like talking about my person is gonna make me stuck. Are you kidding? Not talking about my person is gonna make me stuck.

SPEAKER_03 10:21

Well, you know, people don't realize it's not something you get over, right? It's something you have to go through. You don't ever get over it.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

It's not a disease, you can't catch it.

SPEAKER_03 10:32

Right.

Aging, Empathy, And Widowed Seniors

SPEAKER_02 10:32

But you're all gonna get it. Every one of us is gonna have a loss in their life, and some of us it happens earlier than later. Um, you know, recently I knew of someone whose father passed away. And I know that his wife had just turned 80. And one of the things that I thought of, and it's kind of off topic, but I can't, I couldn't imagine being a widow at 51. But I really can't imagine being a widow at 80. I knowing what I know now, I have so much empathy. Sorry. Okay, I'm guessing that's Daisy. It's Daisy. Um, I have so much empathy for seniors who become widowed now. And I don't think I would have recognized it until it happened to me at 51. But now, like, I want to I want to know what I can do to help those people who are now becoming widowed, right? Like, oh my gosh, like, how much don't they fit in? Like, I know we didn't fit in, but I can't imagine being older. And I don't know why that that has only hit me as time has gone on, right? As I've as I've gotten more clarity about grief and more, I've tried to become more articulate about grief, like the reading up on it, but understanding it, trying to really understand and understand our reactions to it. I feel like I even five years ago, I wasn't as empathetic to it. Like now, having some distance between the the initial incident, uh, the loss, I have some perspective on it, and I'm like, I can't imagine what someone I mean, yes, I'm a young widow, but I I just can't imagine how hard it is to fit in when you've been with somebody for 50 years. And what does that do? And how do you fit in? And how do you how do you how do you help someone fit in at that point? Like, I mean, it's just I I don't know, it brings up all these questions and I'm kind of rambling here, but I mean it's it makes me sad. I get it. It makes me sad, and it makes me think more about those people who are now not fitting in as well, right? Like I recognized how where I didn't fit in, and I feel like I feel like I had it easier than most because Mike and I didn't have kids, it was really just us. So I feel like me not fitting in was a smaller portion than someone with kids. Like you had kids and you lost a child, and then you lost a husband, and you know, all of those things. I think they all they're all different, but I feel like there's different levels of not fitting in and different, you know, because you're at different stages in life.

SPEAKER_03 13:59

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

Yes. Because you still got Jackson through school, and you had to do all the parent things. And you had to do all the sports things. And no one else was there to do it. And yeah, and I'm sure a lot of that felt very weird. It did when other parents were like, oh, one time it's the mother, and then one time it's the father at soccer, and you're just or you know, whatever.

Parenting Alone And Public Assumptions

SPEAKER_03 14:25

I always kind of wondered if people thought like Dennis and I got divorced or something because like he all like all of a sudden he wasn't at the games, you know. Um, and nobody nobody brought it up, like nobody asked. It there was okay, so there's this family that we would frequently see at soccer games, and um the husband of the family was actually one of Jackson's soccer coaches one year, and he and Jackson went to high school together, also, and it wasn't until almost towards the end of Jackson's senior year through conversation that it came up that we had lost Dennis. And the husband said to me, Oh my god, I wondered where he had gone to. Like they had no clue, really. So I do think people thought that we got divorced. Because here's mom showing up without dad, you know, to all these things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

And that's like perspective, because nobody wants to go, hey, where's your husband? Right, because no, because no everybody's the assumption is you got divorced. Nobody's assuming he passed.

SPEAKER_03 15:38

And I would have pulled him indie. I would have been like, oh, he died.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Yeah, right. Yeah. Because it's like, well, let's let's rip that band-aid off.

SPEAKER_03 15:50

Right. Let me just tell you the truth. No, but the universe saved me from an uncomfortable conversation. Yes.

Naming Widowhood To Ease Awkwardness

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Yes. When in doubt in uncomfortable conversations, my go-to now, which is completely different than I was five and a half years ago. Oh, how are you? I'm okay. My husband died. I'm a widow. Like, I think it's the way to like just get it out of the way. And I'm just like, oh, my husband died.

SPEAKER_03 16:20

Yeah, I never wanted to like say that like right off the bat because I I didn't want to make that a part of my identity. Right.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

I totally get that.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

Yeah.

Leading With Honesty Invites Connection

SPEAKER_02 16:32

So for me, because Mike died in July, I was living with friends, and I'd sold we'd sold the house, I'd sold the house, and I'm like, I have to find a place to live. I I need a place to live. Like, I need to think long term here. So through conversations with another friend, uh a 55 plus retirement community was brought up. Right. And I'm like, huh, I never thought about it for me. I'm not 55. They were like, I don't think you have to be. Sure enough, in Georgia, you don't have to be. Oh, a percentage of the community can be under 55. So I, because I wanted to control the narrative, because you know, control freak over here. Um, I took my wedding ring off and I walked in and I'm like, I'd like to look at some houses. And um, my husband just died, and um, you know, I'd like to see some houses. And they're like, okay, great. They didn't question anything. They didn't like, because I wanted to get it out there. If you're gonna tell me that I can't be here, I'm like, I'm not 55, but my husband just died. Like, there you go. And there was no questions asked, no whatever. But I had to take the ring off because I couldn't have people coming up to me and going, Oh, are you and your husband gonna live here? Right. Oh, oh, I see your wedding ring. Is your husband gonna be here? Like, where's your husband? Yeah, mm-mm. Right. So for me, it was the opposite opposite. I was trying to protect myself. And unfortunately, my identity had to become not married, widowed. And um, but yeah, it's a weird thing. So yeah, my go-to now is just rip that band-aid off.

SPEAKER_03 18:24

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

And in some cases, I do it, and it's I I don't do it to be mean. I do it like in some cases, I'm I'm very open about it with people, especially that I like and that I'm getting to know. It's like, yeah, my husband passed, like he, you know, I don't always say died, sometimes I will, but a lot of times I'll soften it for them. But um, it's just something that I'm open about. And it's funny how many people have opened up to me about loss when I lead with, well, I'm a widow, and they're like, Oh my gosh, I just lost my mom. I just lost my brother, I just lost, and it's incredible to me what happens when you lead with that honesty. People will open up and go, oh my gosh, I just lost so-and-so. And they talk to you about the grief. And it's it's an incredible thing to bear witness to someone's grief. It is the most compassionate thing you can do in this world. I truly believe that.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

I agree.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

It and you will find that it helps everyone, it helps you, it helps the person that you're talking to. It's just this incredible uh it's a cr incredible connection that I that I don't think we've really explored because we're so afraid of it.

SPEAKER_03 19:53

Well, you know, when we talk about how grief is isolating and how it changes everything and um Our previous episode was about the shift, right? And um I think a lot of the not fitting in here anymore has to do with that shift because there's a huge identity shift, right? Yes. Um I mean, even like we were considered married for what, like two more years after they died?

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Oh, I had forms I had to fill out that said that I had to check widowed within the first year. I'm like, well, this is bullshit.

SPEAKER_03 20:32

Right. I mean, even legally, like we're not like here, like you have a husband one day and the next day you don't.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

And your filing tax is a singled.

SPEAKER_03 20:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

And you're like, I'm not single. Hello. Yeah. Because I feel like I I didn't divorce him. But like you gotta put single in all this bullshit. Yeah. It's yeah, but you're right, and it is a loss of identity, and I think that's part of um the big reason why people don't feel like they fit in.

Bearing Witness To Each Other’s Grief

SPEAKER_03 21:02

Yes. And just again, we talk like we're experts, right? Because we've been through it. And had we not been through it, I don't I don't think we would be so empathetic and uh sensitive to what are the needs of somebody who has just lost somebody important to them.

Effortless Friendships And Anticipated Sadness

SPEAKER_02 21:23

No, I absolutely had had been around people who had lost spouses or that were older or peripheral, right? Like, you know, friends or or you know, acquaintances or work people. And I did not truly understand until I lost Mike. Right. And then I got it. Yes. And felt terrible that I hadn't gotten it before. Because like it changes everything. It does. And I think that the one thing we can do is finding those people who, you know, organically, finding those people who've had loss that to just maybe sit witness for witness their grief with them, like hear their story, hear about their loved one, ask them about their loved one. Um, you know, when they're ready to talk about their loved one.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Sit and listen. I want to hear those stories. I want to hear about these amazing people that were in their lives because I talk about Mike and you talk about Dennis and you talk about Evan and all of those things. And we should be keeping them alive by having those conversations about them and talking about what great people they were. But it also is it also kind of makes us not fit in. And not fit in with everybody because not everybody's gonna be cool with that. That's true. Not everybody's we're still not gonna fit in with the cool kids because not everybody's gonna, not everybody's gonna be like, yeah, let's talk about grief. Woo!

SPEAKER_03 23:06

I don't think I ever was a cool kid.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Uh no. No, I was not. No, I was not. And to this day, still not the cool kid. Um, but you know, I mean, yeah, nobody's like, oh yeah, grief, let's talk about it. Yeah. It's it's one of the hardest things you can do. And it's it's one of the best things you can do for yourself if you've had a loss, is to talk about it. And, you know, because you do feel like you don't fit in, and you're like, I don't fit in anywhere. I don't, I can't relate to anybody. And that's not true. There's a lot of us out here that you can relate to.

Self‑Preservation Versus Self‑Isolation

SPEAKER_03 23:46

I'm really thankful for um my most inner circle of people who know me the best. Um it the pe when you're quiet, and those people can hear every thought that's going through your head when you're quiet, right? Um I I think one of the reasons why you and I, okay, so the universe was gonna put you and I together anyways, but I think one of the reasons why you and I were able to connect so easily is because we have that shared experience, right? Yep. Um, and like I can go through anything any time of the year, and I don't have to say one word about it, and you know exactly what I'm feeling, right? Um like it like you you'll look at me and go, Yeah, it's 4th of July, it's Easter, it's Christmas, whatever. Like, and you know what I'm feeling, and it's effortless. And I have found to survive, I really needed to be a part of things that were effortless.

SPEAKER_02 24:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:56

Right. And um, I don't know, it sometimes you gotta put in a little bit more effort to be a part of something. So it's some of it is self-imposed.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

Yes, no, I totally get that, and I agree. I absolutely agree with everything you're saying, and you know, I feel the same. And I think, you know, for me, you love me unconditionally, but also you call me out unconditionally, and I love that too. And I need that, and I appreciate that. You do the same for me, but it's you know, yeah, I probably should be going out twice a week to work out and getting out of my house. And hey, but you know what? I mean, hey, even my doctor couldn't get me to do it. I mean, it it had to be the right time in my head, but absolutely until until yeah, and you have to be comfortable with yourself, you have to start getting comfortable with yourself, and I think some of that is having people who accept you as you are, and all that that comes with.

Boundaries, Energy, And Saying No

SPEAKER_03 25:59

Yes, whether that's stories of Mike or Dennis or Evan or sadness, yes, or who's somebody who understands the sadness, somebody who anticipates the sadness with you, right? Like my girlfriend Linda, she can send me a text that says hi, and I can say hi back, and she will say, What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_02 26:21

Right.

SPEAKER_03 26:22

What what are you thinking? Right? Uh you've been quiet. I something is wrong. Yep. She and she knows, and it's always around a day that's coming up, or you know, something that's going on in my life, and and she wants me to know that she loves me and that she's thinking about me, and that's why she's connecting with me, right? Yep. Um it's hard. It's hard. Like it is. Initially, it feels like, oh my God, you people are so ridiculous, you don't understand anything, and like you're so insensitive.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

See, I just retreated. I didn't lash out. I retreated.

SPEAKER_03 27:07

Now you're so much nicer than me, because you know how you were annoyed by the socks and you never said anything. I never could not say anything. Mike would have hated me.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

I I I you know, it I just never said anything. I I just it, you know, it just was like, oh, there's all the clothes on the floor. Now, there's all the clothes on the floor. Right. Although it's usually just pajama pants. It's not it's not usually socks and you know, everything. But it's you know, it still happens.

Practical Supports And Saving Energy

SPEAKER_03 27:46

But okay, so here's a another way to look at some all of all of this. Some of it, it's also us not being um completely transparent about what we may or may not be feeling at a particular time. Right. Of course. So for example, being protective of ourselves. Let's say somebody calls and says, Hey, I'm having a cookout. Please come. Right. And some of us might say, Oh, okay, sure. What can it bring? You hang out at the phone, you're like, frick, I don't want to go to this cookout. So why didn't you say so? Why didn't you say, oh, thank you for the invitation, thank you for thinking of me. Um, can I take a rain check? You know, can we get together another time? Right. Or just saying, like, I'd like to, but this is how I'm feeling right now. And I don't, you know, I really want to stay back or I'm not very good company. Because people don't read minds, right?

SPEAKER_02 28:55

Right.

SPEAKER_03 28:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Yeah. Um, and I think it's I think it's a I think we don't want to hurt people's feelings, and we're not sure, like maybe these are people we don't think are gonna understand.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

Right. And so we don't give them the credit they deserve because we're not even giving them an opportunity to try to understand.

Finding Safe Circles And Setting Terms

SPEAKER_02 29:20

Right. No, you're absolutely right. And I, you know, I had um some friends that had their uh kids had gotten married and they got married out of state and they had a reception for them. You know, a couple hours away. It was on the 4th of July. I couldn't go. Mike died on the 6th. Those days leading up to I I couldn't go. I couldn't do it. I couldn't, I and it wasn't, and here's the thing, it wasn't that it was just like a cookout, like it wasn't just like a party. I couldn't go and see people that meant something to us. Like I could I couldn't go. Right. I couldn't, I couldn't face them. Um and I just I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Um when Mike's cousin's kids got married, um, those were two of the hardest trips I've ever had to make. And if you don't think that I cried and cried and cried a lot, I mean it was hard. Right. It was hard. And you know, there's just some things that you yeah, we just need to be more honest about those things, giving people the opportunity because in a way we're making ourselves not fit in.

SPEAKER_03 30:45

Exactly. That's what I mean by saying it's self-imposed. We do that to ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 30:50

Yeah, and it's on it's for self-protect, it's self-preservation.

SPEAKER_03 30:52

Yeah, because there's nobody out there who's like, no, you can't come in this group anymore.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

No, there is no one saying that. Right. But it's part of its self-preservation. It's like, I can't deal with this today. I can't. I can and that's you know, that goes to how much can I handle? And and learning to know, okay, if I go to the grocery store and then have to go put gas in my car and then have to go to the other grocery store, is that gonna deplete me so that I'm gonna go home and like sleep for 12 hours? Or like, because people in is a lot.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

Yes, pee-bulling is hard.

SPEAKER_02 31:31

Even when they're on a good day. On a good day, exactly. And if you're feeling overly griefy, it's twice as hard and takes out 10 times as much energy. Yes. And those are times when it's self-preservation, babe, man. Nope, I can't, I can't do this. And you're right, we absolutely should be more honest with people. That I I just can't. And I think this year was the first time that I said that to somebody about maybe going to dinner or something. I was like, I'm just dealing with a lot of things right now, and I just I just don't have the energy. I I can't right now. And and that was valid. Right? And I felt I felt better about me saying that because it was the honest truth.

SPEAKER_03 32:18

I I don't think there's anything wrong with saying thank you for thinking of me.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

Please don't please continue to ask.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Right. Uh and I just need some quiet time. Like my plan is to just like sit, have some quiet time, relax, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 32:35

Even if I don't even think you really need to explain that much, but you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:39

Right. Right. Yeah, no, I absolutely agree. And I think it's all of those things, and you you're right, we are it is self-imposed that we're, you know, we're making it so that we don't fit in. Right. Alienating ourselves from people. But yeah, I get that too. But it also has to do with the amount of energy that you have, and you have to pick and choose your battles, and you have to pick and choose your events.

SPEAKER_03 33:04

Absolutely, yes.

SPEAKER_02 33:06

And and recognize that about yourself.

SPEAKER_03 33:09

I mean, for for when we lost Dennis, there were all these things that I had to do for Jackson with Jackson. So I I didn't really have a choice. Um, so when it came to other things, um, like answering a text right away or answering a call when somebody called, like, uh no, don't have the bandwidth because I had to mom all day and I had to do this, this, and that. And I I don't feel like socializing or chatting or yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

I totally get that. And and I, you know, yeah, there's times when I don't feel like that now. Like, okay, we're just gonna, you know what, we're gonna order groceries.

SPEAKER_03 33:48

Yeah. Oh my gosh, you know what? I wish I'd had that. When Evan, you know, I didn't step into a supermarket for like four months after Evan died. I don't know how we ate. We like I think I don't know how we ate because I didn't go to the supermarket.

SPEAKER_02 34:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 34:06

The first time I went into a supermarket was a big deal.

SPEAKER_02 34:10

Yeah. Yeah. No, I get that. I get that. And I I don't I don't feel like I've abused it, but I it's rare that I go into the grocery store myself. But it's also saving my energy.

unknown 34:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

Because if I'm home and tidying up the kitchen or taking care of the cats or cleaning litter boxes or doing whatever, like somebody's uh else is out and I'm paying somebody to go get my groceries and bring them to me, I still have to put them away.

unknown 34:41

Yes.

Closing Reflection And Gentle Leave‑Behind

SPEAKER_02 34:42

I still gotta cook the dinner. I still gotta do all the things. I'm just not going to get them and bring them home. So I have more energy to do other things. Right. Like, I don't know, maybe actually relax and read a book or sit and cuddle with the cats that have been begging for my attention all day at work, or the, you know, the puppies that are, you know, attention starved. And it's they're so neglected. They are so neglected. But I think I think it's a good point about, you know, not feeling like we belong anywhere or that we fit in. And, you know, it's it's an incredible feeling when you can find people who have similar shared experiences who can actually talk about them and are are open, are open to talking about them when they when when you want to, and also willing to respect when you don't.

SPEAKER_03 35:39

Right. Yes, that's another thing.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

But it has to be on, you know, your grief, your terms, and you know, what that means for you, and what you know, you control what you can handle and what you can't. You know yourself. And if it's too much, just say it's too much right now.

SPEAKER_03 35:59

I really think it's about being honest with yourself and honest with other people because really people cannot read your mind.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

No, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 36:06

And um, in the same way that you know, we are shown a lot of grace. I think some we gotta show other people grace too because yes.

SPEAKER_02 36:18

I totally get it. Yeah, no, you're right. You're absolutely right. I and it it's a great point. It's an absolute great point. So a good conversation today.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

Always is.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

Always is. Do you want to take us out?

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Yes. If anything has stirred or settled within you during this episode, please know that you don't have to carry it all. And you don't have to take it with you. If you don't want to, you can leave it right here. Take what feels supportive, leave what feels heavy. And thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, showing up in whatever way you need to be. Take care.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

Bye. Thanks, friends.