You Are Not Alone

Grief can pack a house and still leave you feeling like the only person in the room. We open up about the early days after loss—one of us held by an incredible web of support that handled meals, calls, and even the obituary, the other juggling paperwork, funeral logistics, and a move during COVID with a small circle and a full heart. Those contrasts reveal the same truth: “you are not alone” is both comfort and practice, something we have to learn to accept and also to request.

We talk about the identity shift that follows loss—the way competence grows from necessity, how changing a shower head becomes a milestone, and why new friendships with people who never knew our person can feel both healing and strange. Capacity becomes our guiding word. “Peopling is hard” isn’t an excuse; it’s a nervous system setting. We share language that helps: “checking on you,” “I want someone here, but I don’t want to talk,” and “a grocery gift card would help more than a meal train.” For supporters, we offer simple, compassionate guidance: mirror the words the griever uses, avoid platitudes and imposed beliefs, bring specific help with no strings, and be okay with silence.

There’s also the ache of the world moving on—school years continuing, holidays arriving—while your life feels paused. We found comfort in widow and loss groups where 2 a.m. makes sense, and where laughter and tears can share the same hour. Two things can be true: you can be devastated and still laugh; you can be grateful and still say no. We’re not experts; we’re sharing lived experience so you can borrow what fits—scripts for setting boundaries, ideas for showing up without adding weight, and reminders that choosing quiet is a valid choice.

If this conversation helps you feel seen, we’d love to hear from you. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review with one sentence about what support actually helped you. Your words might be the “checking on you” someone needs today.

Transcript

Welcome And Core Message

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hi, welcome to your friend in grief, a podcast for anyone learning who they are after loss. I'm Melinda. I'm here with Milani, and we're so grateful you're here.

SPEAKER_03 0:11

We've created a space where grief is honored, where healing is never rushed, and where your heart is allowed to feel everything it feels. Welcome.

Early Days Of Grief Feelings

SPEAKER_01 0:21

How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. It's a rainy Sunday. It's dreary out, but talking to you always lifts my spirits and makes me feel good. So it's a good day. It's a good day. So our category today is connection and compassion. So we're going to spin the wheel and see what we get today. You are not alone in this. Oh, you are not alone in this. That's a good. That's kind of a that's kind of a core uh statement from us. That's kind of one of our brand statements right there. That you're not alone.

SPEAKER_03 1:25

What's the first thing you think of when you think, do you think about the early days or do you think about present day?

Community Support Versus Doing It Alone

SPEAKER_01 1:31

I think about the early days. I think about the early days. Um I felt alone. I felt isolated. I felt many in many ways. I felt that people, when they were trying to comfort me, I would get angry in some cases, in some cases, um, just because they were trying to really soften it. And like, are you okay? What can we do? Like, I'm so sorry. And like at some point in the early days, and I'm talking like the first week or two, those two weeks are still very vivid for me. Um, and that's when I kind of got angry at times, right? Um I felt alone, even though I know that I wasn't. Um, but I had I did have some really good people around me who would do things. Um, the first person that I called after Mike died. We still do this to each other to this day. We've been friends for like 20 years, and we text each other, and what she would text me was checking on you. She never said, How are you? She never said, Are you okay? She knew she was just like checking on you. Like, and that was a huge thing for me, and it really showed how much she cared, and it showed me that I wasn't alone, and that was, and even to this day, I love when she texts me that and it's it just and I text her the same thing every once in a while. Just you know, we don't we aren't able to see each other all the time or talk on the phone every day, but that's when we we check on each other and making sure that you're okay. So I think that's the first thing that I think of is the early days and those people that I thought I was alone, I felt alone, and I felt alone in in rooms of people.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Um, in rooms of people. What is the first thing that you think of when you hear that?

SPEAKER_03 3:45

Um I I probably related more to present day than I do in the early days because I had I had a lot of people around me with both losses, with losing Evan and with losing Dennis. I I was I've been incredibly blessed with a uh beautiful group of people who just kind of like swooped in, and I remember this more with Evan than with Dennis, um, who just kind of like took care of things. Really, I honestly I like somebody wrote the announcement for the newspaper, um, the obituary. There were people like there were funeral arrangements that were made and like it's all like this kind of stuff that I don't remember participating in.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

Wow. Yeah, no, um, just a lot of like people were fed, and I I so I was really blessed. I had a lot of amazing, wonderful people who just kind of like put their arms around me and and I love that loved on me and took care of everything that needed to be taken care of because I could I was not in a place to do it.

COVID, Distance, And Different Realities

SPEAKER_01 5:26

I love that for you though. I mean, that's an incredible community, and I think that kind of goes to you were parent, you know, you were a parent, you had a child, even with Dennis, he was a teacher, right? So you had a larger community. Mike and I had a small circle. A lot of our friends were out of state. We had a small group of people in in town. Um, but Mike and I, it was really just he and I. Like we both only had one sibling, you know, we came from small families, we didn't have a lot of extended family. And if we did, they were all out of state, right? So the experiences were different for you and I, as far as, you know, I had a very I had a very dear friend who um the first friend that I called was a far, she was far away from me. So she called another friend to come stay with me um well until she could get there. And then the two women were there with me for a while. Right. And then later that afternoon I had to go and identify him, or not identify him. I didn't have to identify him, but his things. I had to get his phone and um all of those things. And um I had another friend who had to take me to the funeral home. Like he he knew the Jewish funeral home in the city, and so he kind of guided me and said, Well, this is the only Jewish funeral home here. This is the one you gotta go to. And I'm like, Okay. That's he's like, because he was like, What are we gonna do, Mindy? How do you, how are we gonna do this? Like, what do you need to do? And I will help you, right? So I said, Well, this is what I need to do, and I I don't have a plot, right? I don't he needs to be buried in New York, so I had to call a cousin, and they were incredible. Um, so I I knew I wasn't alone, but at the same time, I kind of had to do everything. Like, I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't blessed in the way of like I could have other people take care of some of those things for me. I did have people bring food to the house and try to take care of me that way. Um, so I did have people, but I think, yeah, in the early days, I just feel it's so interesting that we have such different experiences, right? And this goes to show every experience is different. And it was during COVID for Mike, as was Dennis. So, you know, that's a whole different experience where you do feel a little more alone, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:49

Yes. Um, definitely more isolated, right? Uh and for for Dennis, because we were here in South Carolina, we were not home in Connecticut, um, where we had moved from. So it the experience was different. Um, there was a lot of act, I remember tons of activity in the house when we lost Evan. Like I came down the stairs one day, probably looking like an insane person, and the superintendent of schools was standing in my kitchen. I don't know how he got in. I don't know who let him in. I don't know who else was in the house at the time. And I was like, Can I help you? You know, and yeah, there there was a lot of activity. There was much more activity. But when we lost Dennis, I made the calls. Like I didn't even make all the calls when Evan died. Somebody else came in and took over, but I had to make the calls when Dennis died. And I mean, we had family who were seven hours away more, who were there that night.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

That's incredible.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

Eternally grateful because we were never alone. We definitely were never alone.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Yeah. Well, in the first two weeks, I was absolutely not alone. Like I had people, I told you my cousin, you know, called and said, I'm coming in on Tuesday, I'm leaving Friday, I'll be back on Sunday, and she absolutely was there for me. And that was, I didn't know that I needed that.

SPEAKER_03 9:32

Right.

Becoming A New Self After Loss

SPEAKER_01 9:33

And her parents helped me pack up the house, right? And really showed me that I wasn't alone in this, right? That I had people, and that was it was incredible. And I think when we think about it present day, I know so many more people now who never knew Mike. Like my friend circle is people who never really knew him. And that's interesting to me because it's a different, it's a different kind of not feeling alone. Right. And I feel, I guess, maybe more seen. Um, because you know me truly as me, a changed version of me, because the people who used to know me don't know the new me. And I know that sounds weird, but it's it's good to feel seen.

SPEAKER_03 10:28

It's not weird.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

And but it's it's good to feel seen. And I think maybe sometimes you have to move forward and sometimes without people, even though everyone has great intentions, right? Everyone wants to be there for you. They just don't know how, right? But I think today feeling not alone is very different than the days just right after Mike.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

It was more of a physical taking care of tasks and taking care of me, not feeling alone. And now it's like seeing me and understanding me and knowing that I'm different, and it's a difference, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:16

Absolutely, it's a difference. Um, I know you and I have talked about this before. It I would like to think that the Milani that I am today is a more fully expressed version of myself than I ever was before I was affected by the death of somebody important to me.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

I totally feel that. I absolutely feel that. I have said, and I may have said this to you, is I wish I was this enlightened and aware when Mike was alive. It's so different.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

It is.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

It's a different version of Mindy, and that's a version I never thought I would be.

SPEAKER_03 12:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

I mean, I never thought I would have a podcast.

SPEAKER_03 12:12

Well, I think there were versions of us that were not because we just didn't need to be, because we had somebody else to do those things, right? Like, yeah, did you ever have to worry about doing the taxes? I never had to worry about Dennis always handled the taxes. Dennis paid the bills, Dennis handled the budget. You know, I no, I didn't have to worry about any of that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Nope. I didn't either. And it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_03 12:40

You know, like the electronic stuff, and like like I would be like, oh, I'd just wait for Dennis to come home, right? Um, no. Um and so I feel like maybe today I'm more capable, maybe I'm braver. Yeah. Maybe I'm less limiting of myself. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

There's a there's a strength in that.

Capability, Boundaries, And Everyday Tasks

SPEAKER_03 13:06

Right? I mean, and you learn to do things because there's nobody else to do it. I had a girlfriend who came to visit with me. There was something wrong with the shower head, and I was like, okay, let me go get got the tools, I got the little step stone, and I went up there and she was like, I can't believe you're changing a shower head. Like, who else is gonna do it?

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Yeah, yeah. Some of those things I tend to put off if I don't have to address them right away. It's like, okay, the magnets still aren't on my pantry doors yet, but I got time off coming, so you know, maybe, but it hasn't been a priority up to now.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

Um here's here's an interesting flip side of the you are never alone. At some point, did you just want to be alone? Because I remember thinking, I love all these people and thank God they're here, but I at some point I need to just kind of like exhale, yes, take a beat, and not really worry about somebody else in the house.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Yes, and um, at the end of the first week, I think it was that Saturday, it was the Saturday after Mike died, everybody else had gone home. Mike everybody else had gone home, everybody had gone home, and my cousin was coming back the next day. A girlfriend of mine, I think I said, came over and visited, and she was prepared to stay over. And she was like, if you don't want me to stay over, it's okay. I'm not gonna be offended. And I'm like, I would just kind of like to be alone. I just needed to be alone in the house because there'd been so many people, and you're not alone in this if you think people is hard during grief.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Peopling is hard.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

It's you're not alone in that. You're not alone, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means like you can't handle more stimulation today.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

It is hard. Like I I even get to a point in the day where I I don't want to talk to anybody on the phone. I probably don't even want to text, right? Because I've peopled and I've had my fill.

Wanting Company And Wanting Space

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yes. So that is something that happened early on and today. Like that is still a thing. It doesn't necessarily go away. So that's something I think that it's important for our listeners to recognize is that you there may be a point, and you're not alone in this, where you just absolutely are like, I just need to be by myself. I need quiet.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

I need it's so okay for that, right? And it's completely. My son Nathan always talks about the the Dr. Dr. Seuss quote. Um, be who are, say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:11

So your people who love you and understand and know you will always understand when you need to withdraw.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Yep. Yep. And they'll give you that space.

SPEAKER_03 16:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

They will absolutely give you that space. The people who don't want to give you that space, they just don't understand. And they can't, they can't reconcile it. They can't imagine that you why would you want to be alone? You just lost your person, like, oh my God. I just, I just need to be alone with the cats. And I need to throw something on TV that I've never watched before, and I just need to like disassociate for a couple of hours. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

To like stop the brain.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Yes. So important.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's um, you know, when we talk about, you know, we can talk about you're not alone physically, but we can also talk about you're not alone in how you're feeling, right? So it's the physical and like the mental and emotional because there, you're gonna think you're crazy at times.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

Absolutely. You're gonna think there's no way anybody else ever thinks this or feels this. And then when you find somebody who does, yeah.

You’re Not Alone In Your Feelings

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Yeah, it's it's incredible. And I think um, you know, I just kind of lost my train of thought, but I one of the things that I felt was that I I just I'm just like, this is a dream, like this can't be happening, right? And so in the early days, I had to kind of put it aside, and I was able to have conversations with girlfriends that there was laughter on those calls, and that was okay, and it was needed, and it was important. Yes, we cried first, but then we were able to have those conversations of you know, just silly stuff or you know, whatever else. And that's important to know too, that it's okay. You can have that they two things can be true at once. You can be sad and you can laugh. And that is, I think, something that the body needs to regulate during those heavy times. Um, what other kind of feelings that somebody who's in the early stages of grief might be feeling where they might think, oh my god, am I the only person who's ever felt this? Oh my god, this is terrible.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Um I think you might okay. I I felt this a lot with Evan. Evan died in February of his seventh grade year. And there were still all these things that were happening in the seventh grade that I was aware of because I was with Dennis. And I always felt like, oh, like I'm I feel left out that I don't get to experience this because my kid is dead and everybody else is still doing these things, right? So wow. Like your world comes to a halting screech, but the world around you is still spinning, right? Yes. And that very much feels like I'm alone.

Life Goes On And Feeling Left Out

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Yes. Yes, it does. Absolutely. You're very you're Spot on with that because everybody else goes back to work. Right. And I took three months off. I did not go right back to work. And everybody was doing their thing. And it wasn't I wasn't a part of it. I didn't feel uh any of that. And I think you know, those are important things to remember too, because it can feel isolated. Um and you you you may find yourself having a short fuse. I did. Oh yeah. I had a short fuse. After a while, I'm just like, all right, I just I can't. And it wasn't that the people were annoying me, it was just I had nothing left to give. And I couldn't even pretend. And I think that that's something that a lot of people don't understand. And so they might think the griever is just being, you know, I mean, well, they've just lost someone, they're grieving, right? But it's really more of a symptom of I have no more capacity.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

And I don't know how to express that. Like, how do you tell people I can't people anymore today? Like, it's too much.

SPEAKER_03 21:19

Sometimes I think you just have to be direct and say that. Because I I also remembered not wanting to physically be alone. Like, I wanted somebody in the same house with me or like in the same room with me, but I didn't want to interact. So I would call somebody and say, Would you come over? But can we not talk?

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

Because I don't feel like talking.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

And that's a friend.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

I can't people.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

That's a real friend. Um, you know, and it's it's funny because you know, talking about like feeling alone too is like feeling not understood can make you feel alone. And I had a group of friends, a friend group and colleagues that were incredibly kind and gave me a gift card, right, for any kind of necessities that I needed. And then um my husband had a group of people from his office, and they were like, we want to do a meal train for you, which is incredibly kind, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:22

Oh my gosh, I I don't even know how we would have eaten without a meal train.

Short Fuses And Capacity Limits

SPEAKER_01 22:26

And that's incredible, right? I was selling my house. I said, I cannot do a meal train. I'm un I'm packing up my house. You cannot bring me weeks of food because I'm going to throw it away. Like, and I needed to get them to understand it, and I think they were offended. And but I had I had to be direct, but what they didn't understand is I'm selling my house, I'm moving out, I'm packing up everything, like I'm packing up my kitchen. Like and I think that I don't think they understood. And I think that um I think it kind of isolated me from them. Yeah. Which is unfortunate, but you have to say those things. And you have to you have to hold your boundaries. In my case, like if Mike hadn't, if we hadn't been selling the house and I didn't have to move out in three weeks, absolutely, a meal train is lovely. I wouldn't have had to worry about anything for weeks, right? But in the circumstances, it just wasn't the right thing for me. And I think in that case, they just they weren't sure how to pivot from that.

SPEAKER_03 23:39

See, I would have said to you, you still need to eat.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Right, but I don't need like casseroles from like 30 people.

SPEAKER_03 23:47

No, not like no.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

They were like, oh, for the next three weeks.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

You don't even physically have the space for it, right?

SPEAKER_01 23:55

And I'm like, how am I gonna return dishes if I'm packing up my house? Like I I went directly to all the negative things that I would all the tasks that I would have to complete or finish or take care of. And I'm like, I can't, I can't do any more. I can't. Like, I can't, I can't take on more, right? And so it was overwhelming.

SPEAKER_03 24:15

Okay, so here I'll give a little tip out to our listeners who um if you are going to make something for somebody, um go buy an old dish from Goodwill and never expect to see it again.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

That's a great tip. That's a great tip.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

And tell the person that you're giving it to that you have no expectations of this casserole dish coming back to them.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

That's a great thing. And you know, I had actually suggested if you guys want to get me a grocery gift card, that would work better for me, like in the situation that I'm in, right? So a DoorDash card, a gift card to a grocery store, like you know, any of those things would work well for someone because it's putting it on their terms. Like, you're not forcing, you know, for me, I felt forced into responsibility. Like, okay, I'm gonna have to make sure that all these dishes get back, and like, where am I gonna put all this food? Who's gonna eat it? It's just me. And I'm not eating that much right now, anyway. I'm eating, but I'm not eating a lot. Right, yeah, because I'm not hungry. And yeah, like all the crazy stuff, right? So I think it is definitely a different kind of experience. Um, and the feelings of alone can be physical and emotional when you're feeling those things. What other advice would you have for people who are uh helping someone who's grieving?

Clear Requests And Silent Company

SPEAKER_03 25:58

Um I would say expect that they're not going to be they may not be up to talking a lot. Um or they may want to just talk about their person and just listen. Just hold space for them, I think is the biggest thing. Um don't ask them what I can do for you, just show up. I had there's this group, it's a buy nothing group on Facebook. Uh they have since changed the name because the I I don't know why, but they had to change the name. Anyways, I used when I learned how to bake sourdough bread, I of course I was baking more bread than we could consume. So I would go onto the buy nothing group and I would give away a loaf of bread, pick a person and they would come pick it up. And then when I started doing other breads, I would also share those, right? So this is how I came to know this woman. She called me um one day and we she texted me, and the reason why she had my phone number was because we were kind of um missing each other when she was coming to pick up bread, so I just gave her my phone number because I don't always check my messages on Facebook, but uh I will always check a text message, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Right.

SPEAKER_03 27:26

She sent me a text and said, I'd love to come over and just have some tea with you. And I was like, okay. I mean, I didn't really know her. Right. Um, but she seemed really nice, and I I was feeling a little lonely, right? She brought the tea already made, she brought the mugs, she brought some little sweet stuff to eat along with the I mean she even brought napkins. And wow, we don't have to talk about anything.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

She just sat with you.

When Help Doesn’t Fit: Meal Trains

SPEAKER_03 28:03

We had tea and that was it.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

Then I had another woman reach out to me who said, I also lost my husband on the same day in a different year.

unknown 28:18

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 28:20

And um I know what it feels like. And when you're ready, I'd love to bring you and Jackson a cup of coffee, a hot cocoa, a sweet treat. I love that. And she did. That's amazing. And the first time she we we met up a few times. The very first time she came over, we did not talk. We just sat.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

So that's amazing. If you're helping somebody, if how um one of the best things you can do is don't force them to talk, just show up.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

Yeah, I remember the day that Mike died. People like some neighbors had had gone to Costco and gotten food, and some other neighbor other friends had brought food in, and there were a lot of people in the house, right? There were just a lot of people in the house, and I remember a lot of people wanting to talk to me. And I was making calls, and I was at my capacity, and I couldn't, I couldn't commiserate and grieve with some of the people in the house simply because I had like expended all of my energy. And I I'm sure that I isolated them too at the time, and it was never intentional. It was absolutely never intentional, but it was it was the only way I could cope because I was the only one that I knew at that time who'd ever lost a spouse. And uh no one in our friend group, and we Mike was 47. Who who's who of our friend group has lost a spouse? No one, right? So they didn't quite know, and I didn't, I didn't know how to react. I was just kind of, you know, reacting. Um, so I definitely think that there's just kind of listening to the person who's grieving and being very just trying to be more aware of how they are and what they need. I like to say that listen to the words that they're saying. Like if they're saying that their person passed away or he's not here, continue to use those kinds of words. Like I had to say, Mike died, and I was grateful for the people who like mirrored those words back to me, right? It was because that's what I needed. And so I think I think that it's really important um to physically and mentally understand that it's okay to feel alone, but it's also okay if you are trying to support somebody who's grieving to understand that at some point they are going to need to be alone.

SPEAKER_03 30:59

Oh, absolutely.

Better Ways To Show Up

SPEAKER_01 31:00

But let them do that on their terms and let them tell you. And uh, I'm so grateful for the friend of mine who ab who said, you know, I I don't have to stay tonight. And I was like, I I would it's been a lot. It's been a lot. And yeah, as much as I wanted to spend time with her and see her, it was it was a lot for me. And I was kind of like, Oh, more people are coming back tomorrow, and I need I need a little bit of a break.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

Right.

SPEAKER_01 31:23

You know, to kind of sit with the cats and process and you know, all the things.

SPEAKER_03 31:29

Um after our last person had left, after we lost Dennis, Jackson and I kind of turned to each other and we were like okay. Kind of feels good to be in the house with just us.

SPEAKER_00 31:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:45

Not that we didn't appreciate the company.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 31:49

At some point you just you need to be alone.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

And it um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

And that that that threshold is different for everyone.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Some people may not want to be alone for five months or not want to sleep alone in the house. And all of those things are okay. They're not wrong. It's just a matter of what's right for you if you're grieving, and you know, not to take offense at how the griever is saying, I don't want anybody here. You know, I don't need anybody here. I think just understanding them and understanding what they need in that moment is important. Absolutely.

Listening, Language, And Letting Be

SPEAKER_03 32:28

Well, I think it it's important for you to remember when you're supporting somebody that they cannot manage your emotions. So I would kind of be sensitive to that and also be careful about imposing some of your own beliefs onto the person who's just experienced the loss. I got a lot of um, he's in a better place. He's with the Lord now. And to a mother who has just lost a child that would tell you, I will, you know, I will die on the hill that there's no other place it's better for a child to be than with their mother.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 33:15

Right? Absolutely. I that would just make me angry. So I would say be sensitive about imposing any of your own beliefs that may or may not be received well.

SPEAKER_01 33:24

Yeah, no, I think that's a great point. And I think also one of the things that I reacted badly to, I think, um, was when someone had said to me, uh I just I I I can't even believe he's gone. I just missed him so much. Like, I can't believe this. And it's just like, and it's like, I can't support you and you're grieving right now.

SPEAKER_03 33:46

What do you mean about managing somebody else's emotions? You can't do that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

And you you can't like, and that was one of the challenges I had when I was living with friends because um they were going through a breakup of a marriage, and I couldn't, I had no capacity, I had nothing in me that could support them because it was all about me. It was absolutely all about me. Mike had only been gone for like two months. And I was just devastated. And I couldn't, I couldn't relate to the situation because in a breakup of a marriage, there's a choice, right? Right. And I couldn't, I could not understand why anyone would make that choice in that moment because of what I had lost. I would be like, I would work it out, right? Like in my head space. And I couldn't, so it is putting those emo putting those emotions and things onto other people. I did it to others, and I'm sure they did it to me as well, right? They were trying to get me to to sort of commiserate with them, but I'm sure I may have come across as being forceful with my feelings as well or thoughts. And I think that that's letting letting each other have your space.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

And allowing, allowing the person to feel what they need and just being checking on you, right?

SPEAKER_03 35:11

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Checking on you, not I need this, do you want to do this? Just checking on you, you know, and I think those kinds of things are sometimes we need to be alone, sometimes we don't want to be alone. And I think checking on you is something that's really incredible, where it's like, you know, I could, I might, I could maybe use some company tonight. Do you have 10 minutes? Do you want to talk?

SPEAKER_02 35:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Or thank you for checking on me. I just am exhausted and I just want to be by myself.

SPEAKER_02 35:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

And I think that as a griever, you have to be honest about what you're feeling and what you need because people are not going to be able to read your minds.

SPEAKER_03 35:51

No, absolutely not.

Managing Others’ Emotions Isn’t Yours

SPEAKER_01 35:52

So you have to be honest. And that could be hard for some people because you feel like you're going to hurt your friends' feelings. And for some reason, I was very bold about being very honest about where I was, but I think that was because I had to do, I had to feel it too, right? So I think the that you just have to because you can feel physically alone and you can feel mentally and emotionally alone. And sometimes you need that space, sometimes you don't. So it's really important to kind of speak your your needs out loud. Because your people who love you will understand. They completely will understand, they will absolutely understand. And you know, I think it's just a good acknowledgement of you're not alone in this. Like your people will get it, your people will understand. And when you do find others who have similar experiences of loss, it's going to be an unbelievable experience because I I joined a few Facebook groups for widows and widowers right away. And it was so sad and it was so heartbreaking to read other stories, but it kind of helped me because I realized how fortunate I was to have the community that I did have. But also I think it helped me sort of process the pain to know that I wasn't alone and like it made me understand that I'm not crazy.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 37:23

Others are feeling this. Even though I was isolated physically from people, it gave me that connection of going, okay, there are others out here who are not alone. And that's helpful to me. So I think that that's you know, to reach out to find the groups that you need, to, and it it may be temporary. It may not be something that you need forever. I'm really not a part of those groups any longer. And um, you know, so I think it's a matter of just really being honest with your friends and family who love you and letting them know what you need, whether it's to be alone or to not be alone, and to really just lean into it and know that you're not alone.

SPEAKER_03 38:10

Right? And not not saying yes to things because you feel obligated to, like really giving yourself more grace to say yes. Thank you. That's a lovely invitation, but no thank you because I can't do that right now.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Yes. I declined a lot of invitations with people for years after Mike, and it's like, oh, do you want to do this? No, I really can't. I I really can't. I've got I've got commitments, and it's not because I it's just I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_03 38:40

Jackson and I got a ton of invitations to join people around the hall, whatever holiday would be at the time of and I would turn them down. And people would say, Oh, but you're gonna be alone. No, I'm not. I have Jackson, right? I'm not gonna be alone, right? And you know, like when you're busy and you're going and you're going, you're going, you kind of you appreciate the downtime, right?

SPEAKER_01 39:07

Yes, yes. And I had people who were like, but I don't want you to be alone. But you're gonna be alone, and I'm like, no, I'm okay. I'm really okay.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Like I want that, I want the quiet. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

I've been work, I've gone back to work. I just need, I just need some quiet. I need some time to not be around people, and it's not that it's a bad thing, it's just you just need the decompression time.

SPEAKER_03 39:32

Right. And you know, you and I talk about this stuff like we're experts, right? I mean, like I wouldn't we're we're not experts. This is just a lived experience. Um, I don't think had I not lost the people that I have lost, that I I could sit here and say, Well, this is what you can do when you know somebody dies. Yep. This is what is helpful to them. I I would you have known these things before?

Honest Boundaries And Grace

SPEAKER_01 40:00

No, and I only know what was helpful for me. Right. What what because you and I are showing absolutely our experiences have been different and we've needed different things. And I think that that's really important for our audience to know that there is no wrong way. That everybody needs something different. And we're just trying to point out my experience, your experience, and how we felt because it might resonate with you. It you might be like, oh my God, I didn't want anyone in my house. Or I wanted ever I didn't want to be alone in my house. And I think that that's the important piece that you bring up is we're not experts. We're just sharing our lived experiences. And it might not resonate with you. You might have done something different. And you know what? If you did, let us know. We want to hear your experiences, right? We want to know how to help. Just to all we're doing is putting this information out there in the world because we don't talk about grief enough. And it's going to touch every one of us. Every one of us is going to feel it. Like, yes, you're going to you're supposed to outlive your parents. Your grandparents, you know, your parents are supposed to outlive your grandparents. And when you lose someone, it's it's a shock to the system. And because we haven't talked about it, um, I think that that's a really important thing. And one thing I read in a book, and I think this is really incredible, and it kind of goes to how we don't talk about grief right now, is um so back in the days before modernization, right? When children would die young, there was not medical stuff. We're talking like, you know, the prairie, kind of the, you know, early days, they were more accustomed to grief and talking about it because it was happening more often. And they were used to it. Babies would die, children would get sick and they would die, people would die, right? And it was, it was part of their everyday life. So they were more equipped to handle it. As modern medicine has gotten better and people longevity, that death rate, the death age has extended, right? So we're not as desensitized to it or exposed to it. Not really desensitized is not the right word, but we don't experience it on a regular basis. So when we do experience it now, it is incredibly jarring. Back in the older days, it was a it was a fact of life that it was happening. And I think everybody was more um more aware of it, more realizing that it would happen. There wasn't anything they could do, and they leaned on whatever they needed to, the community or whatever. But I think as the lifespan has gotten longer, people it it's people are living into their 80s, right? So, you know, you don't expect someone to, you know, you're like, oh, my grandparents are still alive and I'm 30. Like that's amazing, right? And so I think because it doesn't happen on a regular basis because we have treatments and we have modern medicine, it's not in our daily lives.

SPEAKER_03 43:07

Which is why I think also because we're just we're further apart, right? Like, I mean, you're in Georgia, I'm in South Carolina.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 43:15

We're just further apart. So I think that probably has a lot to do with it.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it is it's interesting, right? It's you know, thinking about how things are different and how we all process things differently.

SPEAKER_03 43:30

We do.

Finding Peer Support And Groups

SPEAKER_01 43:31

And there is no wrong, there is no wrong way to grieve. And let us know if you if this resonated with you, if you feel, you know, supported, if you feel seen, you know, let us know whatever we can do to, you know, we'd love to hear your stories, we'd love to hear your feedback, and you know, we hope that this maybe helped someone along the way, uh, maybe resonated with them to know that they are not alone. So I think that's where we'll leave it today.

SPEAKER_03 44:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

All right. Take care. Yep. Take care of yourselves, and we'll talk soon.