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Your Friend In Grief
A safe space for conversations around grief and loss. Bringing these conversations out of the darkness and into the light.
Your Friend In Grief
The Healing Power of Honest Words
How do you come to terms with the sudden death of someone you love? This episode shares a deeply personal journey through the aftermath of Mike's sudden passing, focusing on the emotional and psychological impact of using straightforward language like "died" and "dead." Hear how these unfiltered words helped us break through the initial numbness and shock, and how personally informing friends, family, and acquaintances became an essential part of processing the loss. We also discuss the healing power of community, as shared memories and support from loved ones provided much-needed solace.
In a particularly moving segment, we recount the difficult task of breaking the news to Mike's mother and the excruciating process of identifying his body during the COVID-19 pandemic. This raw narrative captures the intense shock that accompanies such a tragedy and the gradual journey of acceptance. Even in the darkest moments, small connections, like talking about Mike's beloved cats, offered some comfort and continuity. Join us for an honest reflection on the power of words and the irreplaceable role of community in navigating the pain of sudden loss.
Welcome in friends. Today we're going to talk a little bit about how we speak about death. When Mike died, I did not tell people that he passed away. That felt like kind of glossing over the fact that he had died, that he was dead, and I know that sounds so harsh that he died, that sounds so harsh that he died, he's dead. But in my mind, I think subconsciously, I had to say those words so that it would resonate and register in my brain. I didn't want to like, I didn't want to like, you know, candy coat it right Passed away sounds like, you know, you're trying to be very sensitive to everyone and I'm like, no, he died, mike died, he's gone. And I know that sounds really harsh, but I actually think it helped me come to the realization faster of what the reality was.
Speaker 1:Because I will tell you folks, when you lose a spouse, someone like this, a child, I'm sure you are not yourself, you do not. There is just it's numbness, it's shock, and numbness is the first things that you feel and I actually is the first things that you feel. And I actually I had people with me and everybody was like who do you want me to call? We'll help you call people and I was very adamant and I spent the entire day that Mike died. I called everyone we knew and I told them personally and I felt that I needed to do that. I needed to do that for a couple of reasons. One I felt like I owed it to our friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, the people that we loved and had in our lives. I felt that I owed it to them for them to hear it from me and not from a stranger that they didn't know. I also needed to tell them that he died and that this is what happened. I think making those I have no idea how many calls I made Dozens and dozens and dozens and hundreds maybe but all the calls that I made that day absolutely killed helped my brain understand a little easier that this is what happened.
Speaker 1:Mindy, this is it was almost like a mantra that this is real, even though it didn't feel real, even though it felt like an out-of-body experience for me that it was. I was watching someone else experience this. This was where it became real for me, because I had to have conversation over conversation with people, and people we hadn't talked to in a long time. You know, social media is so different. I, you know, went on his, I had his phone, I went on his Facebook page and, you know, found the people that I needed to talk to and I knew the friends and most people that I needed to talk to and I knew the friends and most everybody that we needed to talk to, but you know, people that we hadn't talked to in a while. It was funny.
Speaker 1:We didn't have children but Mike always had cats. When before we got together, he had a tuxedo cat, and then when we got together, I had a cat, and then we adopted a pair of tuxedo twins, baby boys, together, and so we always had cats. And so one of his old bosses had said I expect he left cats. And I'm like, yes, yes, we have two boys, two cats, two boy cats and you know, but it was funny because it was, you know, I also needed to have those connections with the people who knew and loved Mike and it helped comfort me a little bit too right. So, even though I was having to call and tell them this horrible thing that had happened today in my life, it was giving me comfort to be able to comfort them a little bit. Yes, there were some people that I cried the entire time. I spoke to them and many of my friends got me through it and it was. It was incredible. Everyone that I spoke to was absolutely incredible and um, there for me and, um, I will never forget, um, some of my girlfriends who spent hours on the phone with me that first couple of days catching up and, you know, laughing and crying with me over the things, empathizing with me and you know just the things that they knew about Mike and I Some of them had met Mike, some of them hadn't and it was just heartwarming for me and I needed that comfort it gave me. It gave me a little bit of Mike back right. It made me feel that he wasn't so far away, that he wasn't quite gone.
Speaker 1:And I think that that's why I had to use the word died or dead, because I needed to not sugarcoat it for myself, because I recognized the magnitude of what had just happened, even if subconsciously I didn't want to deal with it, like nobody wants to deal with this, nobody wants to believe that this is really happening. And for the first few nights you go to bed, you wake up in the middle of the night and you don't remember what happened, and then you look to your side in the bed, in the empty side of the bed, and all you see are your cats and you are immediately struck again by oh, are immediately struck again by oh. That's, this is reality. It wasn't a dream. This is the. This is reality. This is my life. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe he's gone, and every conversation that I had when I had to tell someone that he had died or he was dead, I could not bring myself to say he passed away. I felt like it was just too much of candy-coating it for everyone and I guess maybe, in a way, maybe I wanted everyone to feel that pain too that he's gone, he's dead.
Speaker 1:I think the only person I sugar-coated it for was his mom, and I had two friends at my house who had known me for a very long time and had known Mike for a very long time, and they were the first and second people to get to my house that morning and they were like have you called his mom? And Mike had a challenging relationship with his mom. Needless to say, my relationship with his mom was also challenging, um, and I was like no, no, I haven't called her. I'll call her later tonight and they're like no, mindy, you need to call her now. And I'm like, no, no, I'll call her later. And they're like no, honey, you have to call her now. And I can laugh about it now because I clearly remember sitting on my couch with one of my friends sitting next to me, kind of holding my hand, and the other friend standing in front of me and looking down upon me and they were both like, no, mindy, you need to call her now. And they knew that relationship was challenging for all of us and I'm like, oh, do I have to? And then I did and I made the call because I knew how she was going to react.
Speaker 1:She had lost her husband at a very young age and Mike was her favorite. Mike was her, the love of her life. And you know, she adored her son, absolutely adored him, and I knew I was gonna have to break her heart. And you know the screaming, the wailing. It was hard. I knew what was gonna happen and that was the only person I think. I said that. You know he passed away. He had all. He had a major heart attack while he was on his walk. He had a massive heart attack and he was gone. When they found him, like he was already gone, there was nothing they could do.
Speaker 1:And you know this is all within a few hours of me finding out and you know you put yourself into like your body goes into this shock and numbness and this. You've kind of had this out-of-body experience where you're hearing yourself talk and you're seeing yourself talk and you're seeing the talk and you're seeing the people in your house and the words are coming out of your mouth and you don't know how that's happening. You just aren't sure who's talking and how are they making that happen, because you are just like looking around like everything is floating and just huh. So it's really an unbelievable experience physically, emotionally, mentally, and you know it's jarring to have to tell people that you love that the person that they love most in this world is gone. And that's why I couldn't sugarcoat it.
Speaker 1:I had to use the words died and dead and I think part of that was to convince myself, to make sure I understood it was real and I couldn't sugarcoat it. I had to use the words died and dead and I think part of that was to convince myself, to make sure I understood it was real and I don't even think I recognized that I was doing it at the time. I definitely think I wasn't recognizing it, but I think, in the big scheme of things, it helped me, because it helped me understand subconsciously that he's gone and he's not coming back and this is real, and this is absolutely reality. Um, and I think that's a really hard thing for people and you know, I know a lot of people will always be like, oh well, he passed away or, you know, and Mike hadn't been sick. This was very sudden. He had not been sick, and I think that that was the other thing, and he was only 47. So I think that that also was very jarring right, and it it seemed almost impossible that this was happening, and I think that that's why I had to use the words that I did.
Speaker 1:It was important for me to use those words and I think for everyone it's probably different and some people might need a softer. They may need to soften it for themselves. They may need to soften it for others. Like I said, I only softened it for my mother-in-law, who she's now gone as well, but she's the only one. I softened it for everyone else I was incredibly honest and I think it's because I needed to be honest with myself because this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, ever in my life, and I really truly couldn't believe that it was really happening.
Speaker 1:I didn't want it to be happening. I didn't want it to be happening. I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to turn back and go. No, this is just a bad dream. This is not reality. But I had to convince myself that it really was, that I was going to bed alone that night, that I had to go. My friends took me to it was during COVID and my friends took me to, I guess, the coroner's office and I, honestly part of me.
Speaker 1:Until I did that, and that was maybe one or two o'clock in the afternoon, I Mike had left early in that morning for his walk. I heard him leave. I was so tired. I'd stayed up reading the night before and I couldn't open my eyes when he left. I heard him get up. I heard him get the washcloth and wash his face. I heard him go down the stairs in his tennis shoes. He went out for a walk. It was the first time he'd been walking in a number of months.
Speaker 1:We'd been putting our house on the market. And he's like, yeah, I have nothing to do on Monday. I am so excited. It's the first day I can relax. The house is under contract, all the things are done. He had been working tirelessly to get the house ready for sale, to sell, and he was like happy. He was happy. He was like, oh yeah, I'm going to walk again.
Speaker 1:Walking made him happy and so he went out for his walk and probably within 10 minutes of him leaving the house he had a massive heart attack and died. It was the widow maker and having to find out at around 11, because I got busy with work and meetings. And then I'm like, why isn't he home? Maybe he went to the grocery store after, but he hasn't texted me. He wouldn't answer my texts, none of the things, things. I couldn't get a hold of him. And I started getting very nervous and I started running outside and I'm like, no, the car is here. He didn't take the car, he's still on his walk. That's not right. I ran, I called neighbors has Mike, did Mike stop over after his walk? No, we haven't seen him. And all of that led up to no, we haven't seen him.
Speaker 1:And all of that led up to when I went to the coroner's office and they handed me an envelope with his cell phone and one of his earbuds and I was in his key and it was like the first time that day that I was truly in shock that, oh God, this has really happened. And it was after that, um, we actually went to the place where he died. Um, we were missing one of his earbuds and I was like I have, we have to find it. And so, uh, we found it and, uh, I felt better about finding it, but I also knew where he died. And it was after that that I started making the phone calls. Right, I made a lot of them at that point and I really think that because the shock of seeing his cell phone, the shock of seeing his earbuds and not having him there, it was very jarring to me.
Speaker 1:And from there was when I started to say to everyone Mike had a massive heart attack and died and I needed them to hear me and understand me, because I truly didn't want to hear or understand what was really happening. And so I think it's really important that everyone, in this journey, uses the words that are comfortable for them and how they feel they need to use it. I don't know why I felt like I had to be so honest, right, like that was just me. Not everyone will feel that way and or has felt that way, but for me it was very important because I needed to convince myself and make sure I understood what was really happening, and I think that that the words that we choose are very important, and it's also one of the things I think if I had just said he passed away, maybe I wouldn't have accepted it, like no one ever really wants to accept it and you don't really accept it, even for the first few years. But I think by saying those words that were harsh and biting and strong and horrible, it helped me move through that process a little faster.
Speaker 1:As far as he was Jewish, uh, he wasn't really practicing, but Mike died on a Monday and on Friday of that week he was buried in New York, um, in a, in a plot that I had just purchased that week. I purchased it on Monday, tuesday we flew him to New York on Thursday, we had his service on Thursday and I got to see him on Tuesday, um, so he died on Monday. I saw him on Tuesday briefly, and that also part of me. Uh, I had a friend with me then and when he and I went in to see him, I turned to him and I said part of me really wished that it wasn't really him. I was kind of hoping it wasn't him. And even even that next day, right Like I had, even though I said to all the people he's dead and gone and died, I didn't truly believe it until I saw him. And then when I saw him, it became so real and I we had the service on Thursday. He was flown to New York. He was buried on Friday. Flown to New York, he was buried on Friday.
Speaker 1:And I had to do that in order to honor his, his faith, his religion, his heritage, um, even though he didn't practice, it was important to me that I honor that for him and do right, do the right things for him. And he was coming around in his faith, um, and we'll we'll talk about that at another point, but it because it happened so fast, all the things happened so fast that week. I think that's why I had to say died dead, not passed away, and for me it was the right thing. It may not be the right thing for everyone, and it's just one more thing to be sensitive to and aware of when you are talking to people and speaking with people who are going through a loss, who are in the throes of deep grief, in, you know, recent grief. It really matters the words that we choose, and I think that it's important for each one of us to choose those words that we need for us right. This was right for me, may not be right for everyone else. It was just my journey. This was my journey, my experience and everyone's different. Everyone's journey is different and there's no wrong way, no right way. It just is. It's just the journey and the path that each of us have to take. So there is power in the words that we use and their meaning and how they strike us each and for me, I needed to be sort of struck over the head with died and dead.
Speaker 1:I didn't want it to be sugarcoated. I needed to be kind of smacked upside the head and be, yes, your husband died, mike died, and that's how my journey started Day one, and I had to tell all the family, friends and acquaintances and co-workers and all the people in our lives those things, and it was not easy, but it was cathartic and therapeutic and I got to hear everyone who loved him and I got to hear their grief and I got to be a part of it and I got to empathize with them and I got to comfort them a little bit and it helped me ultimately with them and I got to comfort them a little bit and it helped me ultimately and it is something that I absolutely wouldn't change. I needed to make every one of those phone calls myself, every single one of them. I had to do it. I did it for Mike.
Speaker 1:So everybody chooses different words, and just be cognizant and sensitive to the words that you're choosing. When you're speaking to someone who is in the throes of grief, and listen to the words that they use. If they say he passed away, honor them and say that he passed away. If they're saying he's dead, say that too. Too, it's important that we mirror each other, because it's what we need in that moment, in that grief. It's the support we need, the comfort that we need, and everybody's different. So I definitely think the words that we choose matter. So think about those words when you are talking with someone who is in the middle of a loss and listen to how they phrase it, listen to how they refer to their loved ones death, passing, loss and honor that for them, do that for them. They need that and they'll appreciate it, even if they don't recognize what's happening to them. Thank you, friends. We'll talk soon.